Barely,

[It's A Lonely Road Without You]

I just don't understand, I can't bring it to my thoughts or bring it to even the depth it should be. I'm lost. Completely lost. I can't find myself in this at all. I'm losing myself far faster then I thought. I can't find it anymore. I've lost what I was looking for. It seems that time has decided to go against me and my ways. I'm now on my own.
Everything around me is falling apart faster now. It's gaining speed, and I can't seem to stop it. Let me start from the beginning.. I've broken someones heart. No, not Codys'. But a friend of mine. He is madly in love with me, or so he thinks, and I told him I have no feelings for him at all. He's misinterpreting everything wrong and over analyzing. He's upset + heartbroken because of me. Although it's not my fault, I still feel bad because of it. My grandma is doing worse. My grandpa is now just as sick as her. He has to get another hip surgery. He's at the point of not being able to walk. Then there's my Uncle Joe. He died in my arms last night. I've lost him at the age of 79. He's really my great uncle, but I thought of him as my uncle. He was amazing to me. Always there. Now he's gone.. He had cancer, and I was in the room with him alone, and I was by his last breath, his last words. I can't stop replaying that image in my mind. And part of me wants to, the other doesn't. It hurt far too muchh to see him leave the living. Leave me. He's gone. Maybe not forever, maybe not completely. But he's gone to me just the same. I can't hold him and give him hugs. We can't have diet cola and sweets. We can't eat his homemade bread, (which was awful but I miss it anyways, aha), it was all just too fast. He ended up finding out he had cancer when it was too late. And I refused to believe it.. I lyed to myself and hid it behind my eyes. I've lost more people lately, then I can remember at a time. I miss Cody ever so much. I wish he was here. Everyday gets just that more harder & difficult because I can't hold him or talk to him. It's been 2 weeks since we talked.. And I miss him. I need him. Maybe he's moved on? Maybe he doesn't need me like he used to. I don't want to loose him. God can only imagine and know what would happen to me and how I would feel. I'm just a complete mess from it all. I've lost all intrest in smiling and laughing. I can't bring myself to hold a conversation on msn or even in person anymore. I'm slowly slacking off work, and I have exams this week. I'm just not the same. Even worse, I despise how I look & am. I'm at the point where I just want to take a needle or a knife and just, scar up my face and tear my whole body up. I have such hate towards myself. To everyone. Even to God. I miss Kara too. She's with him now though. They're together. Watching over me. I don't understand why I have to be so close to everyone. I believe I will die of a broken heart someday. That will be my cause of death. I'm not over-reacting. And I'm not being a drama queen. So STFU if you're gonna say so. I can't bear to handle anyone else tell me it's going to be okay and that everything will be fine. Because somehow, I have this feeling it won't. Somehow, it feels like this is just the beginning. . .