Mmkay, well, I haven't touched this darn thing in nearly 3 months. O_O YIKES! Aha, well, :] i should be more prompt about it goodness me, but so much has been happening, of course Kaye and Jess knows it all. ;] Aha and btw honey, LOVEE your hair and the story telling you gave me ROFL :] But, i thought i'd do a quick update, :] saying i'm still here
alive and suchhh, but i'll do an update tmr =) too lazy right now rofl! :]] anywho tootles
xx
[It's A Lonely Road Without You]
I just don't understand, I can't bring it to my thoughts or bring it to even the depth it should be. I'm lost. Completely lost. I can't find myself in this at all. I'm losing myself far faster then I thought. I can't find it anymore. I've lost what I was looking for. It seems that time has decided to go against me and my ways. I'm now on my own.
Everything around me is falling apart faster now. It's gaining speed, and I can't seem to stop it. Let me start from the beginning.. I've broken someones heart. No, not Codys'. But a friend of mine. He is madly in love with me, or so he thinks, and I told him I have no feelings for him at all. He's misinterpreting everything wrong and over analyzing. He's upset + heartbroken because of me. Although it's not my fault, I still feel bad because of it. My grandma is doing worse. My grandpa is now just as sick as her. He has to get another hip surgery. He's at the point of not being able to walk. Then there's my Uncle Joe. He died in my arms last night. I've lost him at the age of 79. He's really my great uncle, but I thought of him as my uncle. He was amazing to me. Always there. Now he's gone.. He had cancer, and I was in the room with him alone, and I was by his last breath, his last words. I can't stop replaying that image in my mind. And part of me wants to, the other doesn't. It hurt far too muchh to see him leave the living. Leave me. He's gone. Maybe not forever, maybe not completely. But he's gone to me just the same. I can't hold him and give him hugs. We can't have diet cola and sweets. We can't eat his homemade bread, (which was awful but I miss it anyways, aha), it was all just too fast. He ended up finding out he had cancer when it was too late. And I refused to believe it.. I lyed to myself and hid it behind my eyes. I've lost more people lately, then I can remember at a time. I miss Cody ever so much. I wish he was here. Everyday gets just that more harder & difficult because I can't hold him or talk to him. It's been 2 weeks since we talked.. And I miss him. I need him. Maybe he's moved on? Maybe he doesn't need me like he used to. I don't want to loose him. God can only imagine and know what would happen to me and how I would feel. I'm just a complete mess from it all. I've lost all intrest in smiling and laughing. I can't bring myself to hold a conversation on msn or even in person anymore. I'm slowly slacking off work, and I have exams this week. I'm just not the same. Even worse, I despise how I look & am. I'm at the point where I just want to take a needle or a knife and just, scar up my face and tear my whole body up. I have such hate towards myself. To everyone. Even to God. I miss Kara too. She's with him now though. They're together. Watching over me. I don't understand why I have to be so close to everyone. I believe I will die of a broken heart someday. That will be my cause of death. I'm not over-reacting. And I'm not being a drama queen. So STFU if you're gonna say so. I can't bear to handle anyone else tell me it's going to be okay and that everything will be fine. Because somehow, I have this feeling it won't. Somehow, it feels like this is just the beginning. . .
I'm Creating My Own Maddness.
It's driving me crazy to say the least. I'm reaching my limit. I never thought it'd end up getting this far, but there's a first for everything. I have a tendency of screwing things up more then I tend to help. Which, in my case, isn't for the best. I nearly lost a friendship to my own mistake. Luckily, I saved it in time. I never thought that I was able to get something back like that, but things suprised me.
Life's holding a weight down on me. One I can't seem to lift. I'm probably doing a better job of hiding + faking then I am holding myself together. If that makes any sense. I don't believe someone can truely understand what you're going through, unless they've been there themselves. It's all about experience. I don't think you can fully judge unless you've met/or had that experience. You can't put in your "common" sense of what you think of the situation and act like you know what's going on and what you're talking about.
So father, fcuk off kay? I'm tired of you telling me how I'm feeling and what I think and know. You don't know a thing about me and how I feel. Frankly sweetheart, you can't last a day in my shoes with what I deal with and hold in. So stop saying you know fckin everything kay? I'm not you're rag doll, and I'm not your toy. Stop putting all your problems on me and then blaming me for them. first off, I don't even know about half the shitt you tell me or say, and second of all, I don't really give a damn. I've got me own life to deal with, and I won't let you fck it up with your selfishness. So grow up!! Stop acting like you're the only one who has problems, and be the 53 yr old you "supposedly" are. Seriously, I'm through with your mind games and how you treat me. I'm telling you once and for all, you can't hold down or break a person who thinks nothing of you.I may only be 17, but I've gone through more in these past few years, then you have in your whole life! You always look out for yourself, but you don't care a damn about others. I'm sick of how you putt things aside to fullfil your self, even at the cost of hurting the ones closest to you. Fine, that's your life, but don't make it mind kay? I'm through with you and how you treat me. I have one more year til I'm legal, and able to move out and no longer be under your "know how." Don't expect me to care about you anymore. The distance between us now is far more then a lifetime could mend. You've said I've changed? Look at yourself. You're more controlling and selfabsorbed then I remember as a child. Don't blame me for your faults and mistakes. I won't take responsiblity for them. Move on and let go. Like you always tell me. Seriously, you're not half of the man you make yourself out to be. So STFU!
I'm far from perfect. Chances are, I'm nothing what you want. Nothing what you'd expect.
That's just me. My blog about me eh? Argg, where does one start? Alright, yes yes I'm gunna sound like I'm complaining, so please refrain from pointing out thee obvious. I'm so, I don't know, upset? Confused? Lost? Moody? Angry? Gah, I could make a list of how I'm feeling in every way. I'll start from the beginning. I miss Cody. He's my boyfriend of 14 months who I love so fckin much. No one has ever made me happier. And I hope I do the same. There's this one comment that's been bugging the hell outta me for the past few days. I'm having such a rough time lately. This girl Sara, [who I got into a massive fight with by the way], said this to me, "When Cody finally comes to see you, he'll take one look at you and see how truely fat you are, and then tell admit to all the many other gorgeous girls he's dated and been with while being with me." I know it's not true [I hope], but it's the fact that hurt so much. And the fact is, he hasn't seen me completely in whole. =( So he really doesn't know how freakin fat I am ya know? I'm so scared that he'll see me and completely change his mind over me. =( I'm so depressed. Gahh. And I haven't talked to him for a week so it's just making me more edgy ya know? Gah.
Anywho, on another note, I'm upset because my grandma is doing terrible health wise and mentally. My dad went there for 3 days to the country. So I was looking after mom and doing the shopping and housework. Which was nice because it got my mind off a lot of burdens I have. She had 2 mini strokes, and she's got bad arthritis. She fell 3 times in one week, and the doctors are surprised she didn't break or hurt anything. I'm thankful on the other hand. I'm really just a big mess.
I'm doing wonderful in school, [something's actually working out oddly], and exams are in like 3 weeks I believe. I'm really all over the place. Work isn't going so well lately. =\ I'm gunna be quitting. I've given my 2 week notice. The manager is a jerk. I have a bad back problem, which will need surgery in the future, and I've told him there are certain jobs I can't do. Well I have a position, that I'm not able to do best, and I asked him like 2 months ago almost, to change me to a different position, he said no because of my sick days and there's no cross-training. WTF?! So he's not helping me out at all, so I said, eff it, and I'm gunna find somewhere else. I still have some money in the bank so I'm okay for the little while being. I'm pretty much at wits end with everything. In a few months, has her hip surgery, and she's terrified. But no where near as terrified as I am. And I can't let her know I am. Because I don't wanna freak her out. Anywho, enough of my rambling. =)
Comment and whatnot okie dokie? ^_^
